The head, the heart, and the gut. The trifecta that builds the pyramid that makes us who we are. In every situation, these three pillars must work together to help us act on and in the world. However, we are told the head is the pinnacle. It is what makes us a superior species. The heart is weak and fragile, and the gut is a Savage to be trained by the head. I, like many others, ignore my gut, sometimes deliberately, sometimes accidentally. Not once have I ever been proud of myself for ignoring my gut, because it is right 98% of the time.
A number of experiences lately have made this reality extremely clear in my life. A breakup, moving, a layoff, all in 3 months. I have found myself with time for self-reflection and even my head, the least intelligent of the three, told me to take it.
My relationship ended because our principles didn't align, deep down. We pushed and pushed through courteous discussions and explosive yelling matches. Everything came back to the discussion of moving, marriage, and having a family. My head told me it was my job to find a way forward - a compromise. My gut told me I could never be me without hanging on tightly to my beliefs. My heart told me I needed to find a way to keep the relationship whole because I was in love. My head used all of its energy to find solutions and reframe the problems. My heart just hurt all the time, whether I was fighting for my beliefs or whether I was holding the relationship together with the glue of compromise, of giving up my beliefs. My gut shouted "Why?" over and over and I kept shutting the door to silence it.
My gut rejected every solution, every reframing, every compromise. Yes, my gut knew my heart was in love, but it also knew that I had to choose between loving myself and loving my relationship with my partner. There was never a doubt that I loved and still love my then-partner, but to love the relationship I had to decimate my stores of self-love. This choice masqueraded as many other things, tricking my head and heart into thinking that continuing to push through difficult discussions was right. My gut knew better, but its wisdom fell on deaf ears. The day I listened to my gut was the day the relationship began the descent towards death. It took a few months, but I stood by my gut until my partner followed my example and broke it off.
I had to move out. By the end of the next day, everything except an overnight bag and some camping gear needed for the upcoming weekend was packed and in a friend's storage locker. I had to look for an apartment. I contacted 34 buildings, all with apartments for rent in my price range. I could have taken any of them, but there was one that spoke to me more than the others, so I only applied for that one. The building felt like home immediately. The one-bedroom apartment was bright and airy and absolutely stunning. The building managers were wonderful.
They rented it to someone else. My head told me to snap up other places I had seen. This time I listened to my heart and my gut though, because they were on the same side, for once. I let all 33 other apartments slip away in favour of waiting for another unit in this amazing building to come up for rent. I was going to have to find temporary living arrangements, but it would be worth it. Two days later, the manager called me with news that a bachelor suite had become available. I walked in and felt even more at home than I had in the one-bedroom. They rented it to me and I have never been so grateful for a home. This apartment is pulling out the best parts of me, restoring me to my favourite version of myself, who I haven't seen in a few years. I am endlessly thankful that I listened to my gut, took the risk, and waited.
It was to this apartment that I came home after my company laid me off. I could hardly stand up to leave the office after my boss delivered the news, but the moment I opened my front door I felt safe again. Despite my gut telling me things in the office weren't quite right for several months, my head told me I just had to work harder and I would continue my employment there. My gut told me to look for other ways to make money - sell paintings, make jewelry, start a blog - just to have a safety net. My head told me to dedicate those hours to learning more about my industry and improving myself as an employee. When my boss sat down beside me that day, sighing deeply, I turned to him and said "I know you're laying me off today." He looked at me and nodded in stunned silence.
My gut was right every time. The only time I listened to it was when it teamed up with my heart. My gut has the best track record, yet I benched it in my relationship and in my career. I can congratulate myself on having good instincts, but I, and you, too, I am guessing, need to work on the next step: letting our guts have some field time so we can congratulate them on a win instead of an I-told-you-so.
I am now looking for a new job, and a new relationship, but not a new apartment. My gut told me I need to work on my relationship with myself. I am trying every day, and it is surprisingly easy after a week or two. I am eschewing my head's attempts to push me to do the things I "should" do - meal prepping on Sundays, sticking to my running schedule, and more - and instead I am letting my gut tell me how to spend my days. I have run farther and faster in the last few weeks than I have in months because I have left the rigidity of the schedule and have been running routes, distances, and speeds based on impulse and enjoyment. I have eaten healthier and cheaper in the last few weeks than I have in years because I am giving myself permission to shop when I want and only buy what I want, not what my head tells me I should eat in a week. I am suddenly sleeping better and have produced more art and writing in the past few weeks than I have in almost ten years. My gut is who I am and I am letting it find harmony with my head and my heart.
My mission for the next few weeks is to find a new job. I have found a few to apply for that fit my career plan and trajectory, and a few others that fit with the industry I just spent a year working in. However, there are also a few that just sound interesting, and I am qualified enough for them to apply with a fighting chance of getting an interview. My gut asked me why I felt the need to stay in the same industry, and why I needed a particular word in my new job title. When my head answered, "Not sure...?" I let my gut lead the way. If my gut has been right so far in my personal life, imagine what a tool that could be in a career. If we all followed our guts at work and in our personal lives, there are at least a few industries that might not pollute so much, and a few people that might experience a bit less heartbreak. Who wouldn't want to live in a world like that?
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